Animal BnB

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Bison’s Cabin

The mountains outside of Bison’s place were literally calling, which is romantic on a poster but pretty aggravating in person.”

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Mantis’ Condo

“She didn’t eat me. Five stars.”

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Humpback’s Castle

“I thought this was a sperm whale, not a humpback whale, and definitely not a sperm bank! Gosh, I got so pregnant.”

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Lemur’s House

“Lemur’s hut is extremely isolated in the tamarind trees. There are plastic bags for mosquito netting, and a hole in the wall for the bathroom. Not in the floor. In the wall.”

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Penguin’s Place

“The ice in your drink never melts. Ever.”

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Flamingo’s Patio

“At flamingo’s there isn’t actually any bedroom or bathroom…or shelter of any kind. I got so sunburned I look like a deep friend empanada.”

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Llama’s Sanctuary

“Frigid mountain water trickles through a crack in the rocks, and the bed is a slab of ancient stone. Llama’s place was so authentic!”

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Walrus’ Compound

“The beds are made out of blubber and the floors are heated by electrically converted seal barks.”

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Rhino’s Rehab

I was forced to go to Rhino’s rehab. You sleep on raw hide, eat dry grass, and swim the moat for 3 hours every day.”

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Sloth’s Sleep Den

“Sloth’s place is a napping harem. Inside there are a hundred cots lined with pillows, ear plugs, and bottles of codeine.”

Rooster’s Roost

“Where’s the bathroom? Are you supposed to poop in the straw?”

Pelican’s Shacks

“Pelican’s place is a pelicatessan of sweet waves."


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Marmot’s Longhouse

“Marmot’s sweat lodge purged my soul of all its earthly demons and left me cleaner than an angel’s ass cheeks.”

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Panda’s Pagoda

“The menu at Panda’s is a little sparse - bamboo three meals a day.”